I was recently flipping through my daughter’s First-Year scrapbook – a truly sentimental gift handmade by my mother-in-law. The book opens with a few pages devoted to baby showers friends and relatives held for me during my pregnancy. Scenes of smiling faces, adorable onesies, mounds of diapers, smiling grandmothers-to-be, and me – grinning from ear to ear in every picture, with just a hint of uncertainty and mild trepidation thrown in for good measure.
I look forward to the day when I can share these pictures with my daughter – the little person no one had yet met that was nonetheless being celebrated and eagerly awaited by so many.
As I flipped through the rest of the book, the thought occurred to me – “What will my second daughter think? Surely she will come across this book and then wonder why her albums have no party pictures.”
Which brings us to the delicate matter of second and subsequent baby showers. In terms of etiquette, what’s the proper way to handle? Is it appropriate to have one? How do you respond to people who ask if you are having one? It’s not as if you can host one for yourself! Because that’s just tacky!
At the start of my third trimester, my sister offered to host one for me. I gave it some thought, and of course scoured the web for moms who had similar insecurities about it. I found many responses that echoed the feelings I had. For example:
“I firmly believe in a shower for every child. A shower is more about celebrating the new life coming than it is about gifts. It doesn't seem right that the first child is the only one that has pictures of their loved ones gathered together to celebrate them before they are born. Have a get together for her. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate.”
– B, from http://www.mamasource.com/article/second-baby-shower-6958#response_1.
And, as luck would have it, Emily Post seems to think the same, to a degree:
“It is all right to have a baby shower for a second or third baby, as long as the guest list is comprised of guests who did not attend a shower for the first (and/or second) baby, with the exception of close friends and family members who would be upset not to be there.”
So, I’m letting my sister do her thing, and have invited a new group of friends that weren’t around the first time, as well as close family. I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I also hope that it will make the situation a bit more real for my first-born, who seems excited about becoming a big sister.
I’ll keep you posted!
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Interesting post, well-researched and argued. Just out of curiosity, would your stance be the same for a second wedding shower? Some of the same arguments would seem to apply...
ReplyDeleteFor my second child I had a shower with only 5 or 6 of my closest friends. My mother came and my aunt who lives here. My MIL did not even come. They gave me little girl things since my first was a boy. No invitations and very light food, just fun and enough pictures to make a page in her baby scrapbook! :) We have also done this and done a diaper shower for those having the same sex.
ReplyDeleteJust because society says that this is etiquette does not necessarily mean it is. I think that having a baby shower for each child is very nice. I have a friend at church who did her own baby shower. The reason she did this herself is because she has neighbors who don't go to our church therefore she had it at her clubhouse so her neighbors would feel more comfortable in attending her baby shower. It was not tacky at all and it was her second baby shower. We, as her friends admired her for thinking of others and at the same time we were able to help out with the daily things she needed for a second child like diapers, bibs, wipes, etc... Not tacky at all to have a second or third baby shower! Hers was done in moderation! We had a joyous time!!
ReplyDeleteI personally think its ridiculous to go by what "society" thinks. Its not tacky to celebrate the birth of a new baby, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever the case may be, the celebrations is in happiness of bringing another life into the world. If you are still unsure, send out emails to everyone you would normally invite, asking them to send you their address if they could attend. Weed out the ones who have the "etiquette" issue, without actually pressing the issue. My first shower was amazingly HUGE, its common sense that we wont throw the same kind of event for #2, but #2 will get a celebration of their own. As for registering for gifts, I'll do so... bottles, diapers, wipes, and hey, looks like I'll be needing a double stroller now too! Ultimately, I dont consider helping out a friend or family member "poor etiquette", I actually enjoy showering anyone with gifts if I can do so. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend had a baby "sprinkle" instead of a baby "shower". The indication being that at a "sprinkle", you bring the little day to day stuff that doesn't last from one child to the next. I thought it was a GREAT idea and will keep it in mind if I ever have another (I'll just drop hints to the sisters and mom/MIL). I think its a great idea to celebrate EACH child!!
ReplyDeleteTo all, Each child that is borne unto you is an individual, so as each will be individually blessed and showered with love by all.I have one 3 year old son.He's my love. If I do have another child I plan to have a shower just to celebrate as modest as the first shower.Etiquette is only a guide used by society, it isn't law.Celebrate as much as you can for they are only babies for so long.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered doing a blessingway just to change things up? It's like a babyshower but its focus on activities that celebrate the mother, the pregnancy, the birth, and the baby. One of the more popular gifts given at a blessing way is a bead that represents some kind of non-tangible gift the giver would like to give you or the baby. For instance, a red bead for strength to birth safely and powerfully, or Blue for health. There are also some really cool beads on etsy.com made specifically for blessingways. The beads are then strung together to make a necklace for the birthday. It's a great way to really celebrate motherhood and do something different and meaningful.
ReplyDeleteMy friend just had her 3rd boy & was trying to cut the clutter with another little one on the way. I have a small kids clothing line so what we did is...she chose some American Apparel items for her new little one, in sizes she needed & I brought all the stuff to do unique appliques on some of the pieces. Instead of bringing gifts, she asked for help painting some things for the nursery & everyone did at least one item of clothing. We just asked that each person bring $10 toward the clothing. It worked out great & the Clothes turned out soooo Cute! You can see some examples of my work at www.dimplekids.etsy.com
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS IN RESPONSE TO RYAN and the 2nd wedding shower.
ReplyDeleteThis is not the same issue, simply because in our culture, we are encouraged to have multiple children, not multiple marriages.
That being said, in this day and age, we should celebrate anything positive that we can!
The author responds:
ReplyDeleteThese are all really great comments - I am so glad other moms are on the same page as I am. I especially like the idea of a baby "sprinkle." I'll definitely keep that theme in mind for friends. Thanks Mamas!
As a young grandmother with a second grandbaby on the way, I think there is nothing wrong with a "restocking" celebration and I loved the idea of rejoicing with the mom about her upcoming new birth experience and the happiness of the "new, once again" little family that needs the support and love of their friends and family. Rock on!!
ReplyDeleteIf the sex of the baby is different then a shower is in order. If the sex is the same then I say do a shower without gifts! Just a fun lunch with friends to celebrate. Sometimes all the gifts just turn into another thing to deal with! Just my thought!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the comment that every baby deserves to be celebrated. My friends and I have started a tradition of hosting a baby brunch celebrating the mom, big brother or sister and the new baby. We all need to celebrate every moment we can - plus as noted, you do need a copy of the invitation and pics to fill that otherwise neglected 2nd baby book!
ReplyDeleteI have 2 girls, 18 months apart. I did not want to have a shower for the 2nd b/c I figured we had everything we needed from our first daughter. But my family threw us a surprise shower with close friends and family, and guests brought us diapers and wipes for the baby. We were so thankful and happy, not only for the very useful gifts but mostly because we were able to celebrate the new addition to our family. I do think it is kind of tacky when people register for gifts if they are having the same sex and close in age to the first..don't people save their stuff? Gift registration more appropriate for different sex or big age gap.
ReplyDeleteI especially enjoyed your post and am looking forward to celebrating the arrival of granddaughter no 2 just as much as the first. And she will definitely have just as special a scrapbook dedicated to her!! Of course, it is the proud grandmother responding who is also a second child. So, I am all for a grand celebration for the second child just as the first... with lots of presents!! Can't wait!
ReplyDelete